Keeping up with the Joneses.


When you’re as popular as moi & my kids. You could go as far to say, faces. We are faces on the scene. 💁🏻‍♀️ Birthdays seem to be every other week! So this week, my baby Mamma crew & I had a little whatsapp chat and decided to set some rules. Boring I know BUT most important. There are 13 kids within my baby Mumma crew alone, plus 2 more on the way 🙄 Before this week, we would usually all chip in for a present, that our ‘treasurer’ had spent time looking for, she’s mucho thoughtful. Whereas I’m useless, I never know what to get my own offspring, let alone someone else’s. And we’re not talking about a box of play doh. We’re talking, Karaoke machines, personalised micro scooters, the list goes on. Anything for these underprivileged children 🙄

2018 however is new year, new us! We’ve decided that £10 from each of us, is suffice for each child. So, I think there’s 6 of us baby mummas, meaning £60 worth of spends going forward. Which to me, is more than enough.

For me, Maximus and Bear have more than enough, too much in fact. Taking away moi and the baby daddy, they have 4 aunties and 3 uncles, plus boyfriends/girlfriends that contribute, a nan and grandad here and there, Mac, her sisters, then they have a Peta on top of that, who is rich and generous. So they clean the fuck up at birthdays! So I honestly don’t need, for other people to then spend more money on them! I know we all love buying presents and gifting people BUT it’s really got out of hand.

Where have the days gone where you were invited to a kids party, so someone you know of but not best friends with. And £10 in a card was enough! Oh no, now you write the card out, put a £10 note in, then think I can’t just put that in, they’ll think we’re being rude, tight and all other shite. Now we’re putting £20 in as a standard amount 😱 Or chipping in to buy Douglas a fucking iPad. And it’s all just for show, to keep other parents happy. Well not on my watch anymore.

I really am not playing the game anymore. I remember a while back ‘Myleene i sell everything Klass’ tweeted something about a child’s parent, sending out a letter, with some kind of gift list requests. At her daughters school. So I feel, until someone decides to buck the trend, it’s just going to carry on, getting worse!

The baby mummas and I have said, we would much rather spend money on doing things together! Renting beach huts, going to the zoo and etc. Kids are not cheap Party People. And listen, I like a kid as much as the next person. But having to put £20/£30 of my Money (baby daddy’s money) In a card for their birthday, is soul destroying!

I don’t want Maximus and Bear to be spoilt little bastards. When in reality they already are! If I think of all the things they just get, for no reason now. We go into Sainsbury’s, Maximus sees a toy, if it’s under £10, it’s more than likely he would get it 🤦🏻‍♀️ Because id tell myself, he’s sitting nicely in the trolly. WHOOPY FUCKING DO! That’s life, you sometimes have to sit in a trolley and behave in public. So why do I reward such shite! SURPRISE EGGS, I think they’re pretty much a pound these days, yet i pick them up like a penny sweet. So they’re already living their best Kk! uk, that’s all without other people spoiling them on the regular. I’m pretty sure this is the case for most kids. So let’s not pretend I’m the only person doing it.

So I’m going old school, back to the 90’s/00’s when you could gift a packet of blow pens, that we had about 5 massive boxes of, that lived in our garage, until everyone in Essex had been gifted them, by me and my brothers, when we attended any birthday party.😂 I think they had fallen off the back of a lorry and my dad or uncle decided to give them to a loving home.

So let’s stop this stupid trend and pretending we’re all billy big balls, flash with the cash and all that jazz. You keep your £20 and I’ll keep mine. This makes far better sense.

Over and out.

Alabama Lola 🐝

Baby daddy diaries: Part 1.

I know you’re all aware by now, that the baby daddy and I ARE what all couples should aspire to be like …

Well this morning, that fact was cemented into my brain yet again. I had to tell him about himself before 7am, whilst I was sorting out the dirty washing into coloured piles. He’s not usually within sight when I’m sorting the washing, so this particular thing has been winding me up for a while now. What you may ask … and I shall tell ya. BOXERS INSIDE TROUSERS. You know where, you actually have to pull the boxers along the legs of the trousers 😡 ITS THE ULTIMARE DISRESPECT. At what point, do I want to start getting all intimate with some dirty underpants! So off I go on one, before the sun has come up. Telling him, ‘you better sort your life out’ blah blah blah and how rude he is 💃🏻 And he just replied ‘oh grow up Lol’ 😱 It’s usually his response that dictates what way shit is gonna go down. Meaning, if he gives it billy big balls then I am ready to pounce. If his tone of voice is a bit too gruffalo, I can’t hold back. But if he’s quite chilled, then I can usually let it slide. Not always. Sometimes im full on crank. To be honest, he does take quite a lot before he really reacts. So credit where credit is due.

When we argue, we argue BIG. Which, listen in an ideal world, is dog shit. But seeing as we live in a real world, I don’t really dwell too much on it. We’ve calmed down a bit since having some offspring. Long gone are the days of me, locking him out the garden, whilst repeatedly flicking the kettle in front of him 😱 While he tried to smash the door in. These things are not big or clever. I can’t even remember what started the argument, it could have been over anything.

The main things we would argue over now are;

• Him telling Maximus & Bear off, mainly Maximus off, as Bear gets away with everything. He’ll start to tell him off, then I ‘pipe up’, he then tells me, they’re his kids too 🙄 And I shouldn’t get involved and it’s ok when I do it, then WW789 starts. I don’t know why I can’t just stay out of it … Well I do, my two main reasons are; 1- I’m with them all day, every day, so I’m allowed to go bat shit crazy when Maximus restarts the washing machine. I try and explain to him, that each day I start with a tank of patience, then as the day goes on and they both ruin my life, this patience slowly depletes. So by 6pm I want to shove their dinner in their gobs when they’re playing silly bugger games. The baby daddy however, is not with them all day. So any shit should just beeeze over him. As far as I’m concenered, he’s not allowed to react as quickly as I would!

Then secondly, whether it’s right or wrong, he’s a man! And when a man tells a kid off, it sounds soooo much worse. If my dad ever told me off, I would shit a brick! Sometimes, I try my hardest to bite my tongue and let him have his time to shine. But only if it’s the quickest of shining.

•Raisins/Hot cross buns/grapes. Yep, this is a regular hot topic 😂 He doesn’t like them anyway BUT it’s because we have a dog 🙄 Apaz they’re really poisonous to dogs, 1 could make them brown bread or they could eat 100 and then they’d keel over and die. He still tries to tell me sometimes, this is why our dog, Blue died 🙄 So whenever I toast a hot cross bun for breakfast, it’s like a military operation. Riggs has be to locked outside, incase Bear feeds him some or Maximus throws it off his plate 😂 If the kids have raisins or grapes as a snack, then I’m the worst person in the world ‘THEY DONT NEED TO EAT THEM’. I wouldn’t even mind, if I shouted at the dog not to eat something, he wouldn’t. But we can’t a take a chance in this house. So Easter is a very traumatic time in our abode 😂

• Out of date food, he won’t eat anything if it’s even a day out, he would most prob cry over it going off that day as well. Me, I’m down. He’s accepted this about me now, yet the babies he will try and tell me they can’t have it. So, that’s quite a regular argument.

• Clothes, if I dared to wash one of his tracksuit tops without the bottoms 😮 Oh that’s not going to go down well. They’ll be different colours 😱 Life wont be worth living for him. His clothes are too good for the tumble drier … Wash & iron his shit inside out. I’m basically Cinderella 😩

• The car, this is a very dangerous place for us! A lot of our biggest arguments have started in the car. I don’t know why but it’s a catalyst. First of all, I always drive. I think it’s the control aspect, so it’s never a question of whose driving. So if and when, he tries to tell me ‘you could of gone then’ ‘why don’t you go the back way, it’s quicker’. My back goes up straight away, there’s no simmering, I go full on cray. Telling him ‘I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE’ and how I’ve had a licence for longer than him. He also pisses me off, that he doesn’t put his seatbelt on straight away, so we have to listen to the alarm for a lifetime. Which he never hears, so always takes me screaming at him. We once had an argument en route to the 12 week scan, when I was pregnant with Maximus. Shit got real, I told him he wasn’t coming, so I turned around and made him get out. I then went to the scan and didn’t ring him for hours to let him know it was ok 💅🏼 Another time, we had an argument en route home from lakeside, over him turning my music over. Shit got real again, so he threw my new purchases out the window 🤦🏻‍♀️

I know to some people, this would seem outrageous. And they wouldn’t be wrong but in reality, even though I want to punch his face in! On a daily basis, he’s not too bad. And I am fully aware of what I can be like. I would never be one of those people that thinks, it’s all the other person. So, whatever floats your boat eh.

One of the quotes I live by is …


Peace out. Love thy neighbour. Don’t judge. And remember you reap what you sow.
Alabama Lola 💋

Children should be seen & not heard: Eating out.

Bonj Party People,

Yesterday we went out for dinner & it was a really pleasant experience. And en route home I felt really proud & like Iceland’s mum of the year, for being the owner of Maximus & Bear.

Dont get it twisted we weren’t dining at the Ritz and maybe it shouldn’t be considered, such an accomplishment! BUT for me, eating out with a 1 & 2 year old, can be horrendous. So, for it to be enjoyable, at 6pm on a Sunday evening. Go me! And I say GO ME! Because when people say ‘oh you’re really lucky’ err no mate, luck isn’t the coo, parenting isn’t much to do with luck, it’s mucho hard work. So check yourself before you wreck yourself.

What do I call a success … ? Well, Maximus sitting on a chair, he now makes it known when entering the joint, that he’s sitting on a chair. Eating all of his pizza (lahmacun), chips, Turkish bread & a tiny bit of rice. Bear, chilling his beans in the high chair & not getting mad dog every 5mins, so attempting to stand up in the high chair. Instead, eating everything put in front of him. Moi, actually getting hot food into my body. Let’s not question whether the baby daddy, is ever being put in such a sitch. I’m sure you’ve all realised by now, he’s the heaviest piece of useless shit. If you haven’t, you either can’t read or haven’t been cringing at my Instagram captions. But we don’t dwell on such things.

I put an Instagram post up, a while back, about an eating out experience with my BFFs and our offspring. It was in the summer holidays & we went Southend for the day, beach, adventure Island, all the usual chavtastic fun. So we ended it with a fish n chip supper, in a restaurant literally opposite the adventure island, it was about 5ish, let me say again, the summer holidays! So the scene is set. I was about 7months pregnant with Bear, so was looking very Waynetta Slob 💃🏻 Then there was Mac and Pete and 5 children, 3 of which were 1. And during our meal, Peta & her bat ears could hear a couple opposite us, voicing their disgust. The man said we were scum, breeding for Britain & most probably on benefits 😂 He was only wrong about the benefits 😩😂 And believe you me, that is the dream! Pete, let’s these things really anger her, whereas it takes me a while to get mad dog now and to react. My main reason being, they were complete fucking simpletons! And I could sit confident knowing that they were at fault, not us! How you can get the hump with a table of children, in the six weeks holiday, in a restaurant opposite the pier, I really don’t know.

We had another experice of wanky people recently also. We went to Pizza Hut a few fridays ago, en mass. After we had finished eating, Maximus and Thea were sitting on a windowsill, having a bit of a shouting match. Nothing out of this world. But a table next to us, decided to make out as though a bomb was going off! You know when they use their whole face, to make all the disgusted facial expressions they can 🙄 It really is childish & makes me want to punch them in it. YOU’RE IN FUCKING PIZZA HUT! PIZZA HUT eating a buffet.

To be honest, I eat out too much. Whether it’s for lunch or dinner. But food is life! Again, nowhere fancy, it could be McDonalds or my favourite, Marks & Spencer’s Cafe 🎉 Maybe where it’s such a regular occurrence, the babies are use to it now and play ball. More importantly, I am, so I know the things that make it work. Because be under no illusion we’ve had terrible times. There’s nothing worse than trying to get a a 1year old into a high chair, Infront of People, whilst wearing a jumper and coat, getting hotter than the surface of the sun. All whilst trying to remain calm on the outside.

I have friends that have stopped eating out because their kids were feral shits. And there have been chunks of time, where it’s been more agg than it’s worth for us. Sometimes it still is. So we shall descend upon Petes abode, so no pressure on anyone. The kids can eat off the floor if they so wish, it’s clean. Pick your battles Party People.

However on the times that we do venture out into public. And if you lived in Ongar, you would do this as often as moi. BECAUSE THERES NO TAKE AWAYS AND NOTHING DELIVERS. First world problems 😭 but it’s all relative.

So when we do, I go prepared. A rucksack of toys for Maximus and Bear, SNACKS, even if you’re going out for food, the time waiting for food can be touch and go. Nothin major, just some yoghurt fruit flakes etc. AND most importantly …. an iPad 😱 I know, cheating & a dog shit parent. But I am no martyr! Hands up I don’t know how people parented without them. So round of applause for you all old people 🤣 But don’t hate the player, hate the game. For me, expecting a 2year old to sit a table and be happy about it for however long is stupid. It’s not something I’ll pull out straight away but usually after we’ve eaten and if we’re in no rush to leave.

Timingthis is most important! 1) Making sure my offspring are not tired. If they are, give up straight away. Tired kids are knob jockeys, so admit defeat before wasting time and money. 2) Hungry! I time it, so I know Maximus and Bear are actually hungry. So will actually spend time eating, allowing me to actually eat!

Last but not least! Don’t be stressy. Which is totally easier said than done. This is the key though! The amount of times I have gone out and allowed other peoples looks to bother me, it just ruins your meal. So now I give 0 fucks. First of all, wherever I’ve decided to eat, IS child appropriate. So if other people have a problem, then it’s theirs to have! I wouldn’t go somewhere I deem not child appropriate and expect other diners to be impressed, with Maximus and Bear rocking up. I also go out for dinner sometimes and want to punch a kid in the back of the head 💃🏻 Let’s keep it real. However I feel confident from the off, if I’m somewhere I feel is child friendly. So if someone starts trying to make a point, with their distorted face, I will shoot them a look! Letting them know (in the words of Kenya Moore) DONT COME FOR ME UNLESS I CALL FOR YOU!!!

Kids are allowed to make noise. Shock horror 😱 So I’m not going to react every time one of them does. Keep calm and carry on at all times.

To end. I’ve been a waitress and parents are more annoying than the actual kids. Reality is, you can’t really go out for a relaxing meal with young children. So don’t sit there and just stop parenting, let your children run about whilst food and hot drinks are being run. Then cry when a cappuccino is spilt on little Barry’s head. And by all means attempt to clean up after your child. I always make sure, I clean up all the mess Maximus & Bear have dropped all over the floor. People that don’t, have a stick up their fat arse 😎

Peace out one and all. Iceland’s mum of the year.

Alabama Lola


Cherry popping.

Bonjour Party People, this is my first written word in the land of blogging. To be honest, I’m not a massive ‘blog’ reader, so trying to write one is proving more difficult than I first thought 😏 My first Love is instagram & I enjoy following certain people on there & watching Insta stories. And then if those people happen to have a blog in their bio, I click on that. But I can’t say there’s people I actively read. But don’t be like me, be a better person.

I half decided to start one as a NY resolution & partly because more than one person, had said on one occasion I should write one😎 So i decided the world wanted me to do it.

Obvs I have two small children & that’s basically my job 😭 So when they try & ruin my life on a daily basis. I use Instagram mainly to vent my frustrations & then nice people, share their dog shit & tell me I’m not alone & the world seems a better place again. So I thought writing a blog here & there, would be part of self care & all that jazz. And would hold off, the invetiable of being found in my night dress, in the middle of the night, whilst walking down the road.

But please don’t expect anything out of this world. I honestly don’t have a clue what I’m doing or even how this works, so I’m just hoping for the best. So I’ll just learn while going, that’s been the story of my life. And so far, I’ve survived.

If you’re easily offended, don’t have much of sense of humour, don’t like piss takers, People that swear in general & at there kids, shouty People, then I wouldn’t continue to grace this place. The reality is, im quite honest & don’t pretend that life is soooooo good every day. And that I don’t dislike my children on the regular. I don’t pretend that moi & my baby daddy are couple goals, ‘the boy’ or ‘the boy did good’ will never be words uttered from my lips. Mainly because, he’s a man, it makes me die inside, when I see such shite & he will never of ‘done good’. So trust you’ll never have to see a load of designer bags, gifts, flowers & whatever shit, I’ve decided to haul into one photo, to show off all I’ve been bought.

I, myself am guilty of getting sucked into the world of Instagram & believing that someone’s life is so amazing, that there boyfriend/baby daddy is considerate, that they never shout at their children. There house is out of this world, all the usual stuff we tell ourselves. BUT then I check myself. So that’s why I like to be honest, keep shit real party people. So that’s mainly, what I imagine what my blog will be about. I’m not an expert on anything, yet! But I shall share anything that works for me & mine. Don’t get my wrong, I also love the glossy world of Instagram & follow load of people that lives look just like I said. And they make me want to a better person, so I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

But if anyone can give me a rough idea, on roughly how long it will be, till Im # Ad in my captions on insta. And being invited to to first nights of ‘Disney on ice’ & all that jazz, I’d be most grateful 💃🏻

So until next time Children of the lord. Peace out. Step in the name of love. When I was a little girl, I had a rag doll. Love me for a reason, let the reason be love. Let’s get it crunk, we gon’ have fun. Mucho thanks for reading.

Lauren aka Alabama Lola ❤️