Children should be seen & not heard: Eating out.

Bonj Party People,

Yesterday we went out for dinner & it was a really pleasant experience. And en route home I felt really proud & like Iceland’s mum of the year, for being the owner of Maximus & Bear.

Dont get it twisted we weren’t dining at the Ritz and maybe it shouldn’t be considered, such an accomplishment! BUT for me, eating out with a 1 & 2 year old, can be horrendous. So, for it to be enjoyable, at 6pm on a Sunday evening. Go me! And I say GO ME! Because when people say ‘oh you’re really lucky’ err no mate, luck isn’t the coo, parenting isn’t much to do with luck, it’s mucho hard work. So check yourself before you wreck yourself.

What do I call a success … ? Well, Maximus sitting on a chair, he now makes it known when entering the joint, that he’s sitting on a chair. Eating all of his pizza (lahmacun), chips, Turkish bread & a tiny bit of rice. Bear, chilling his beans in the high chair & not getting mad dog every 5mins, so attempting to stand up in the high chair. Instead, eating everything put in front of him. Moi, actually getting hot food into my body. Let’s not question whether the baby daddy, is ever being put in such a sitch. I’m sure you’ve all realised by now, he’s the heaviest piece of useless shit. If you haven’t, you either can’t read or haven’t been cringing at my Instagram captions. But we don’t dwell on such things.

I put an Instagram post up, a while back, about an eating out experience with my BFFs and our offspring. It was in the summer holidays & we went Southend for the day, beach, adventure Island, all the usual chavtastic fun. So we ended it with a fish n chip supper, in a restaurant literally opposite the adventure island, it was about 5ish, let me say again, the summer holidays! So the scene is set. I was about 7months pregnant with Bear, so was looking very Waynetta Slob 💃🏻 Then there was Mac and Pete and 5 children, 3 of which were 1. And during our meal, Peta & her bat ears could hear a couple opposite us, voicing their disgust. The man said we were scum, breeding for Britain & most probably on benefits 😂 He was only wrong about the benefits 😩😂 And believe you me, that is the dream! Pete, let’s these things really anger her, whereas it takes me a while to get mad dog now and to react. My main reason being, they were complete fucking simpletons! And I could sit confident knowing that they were at fault, not us! How you can get the hump with a table of children, in the six weeks holiday, in a restaurant opposite the pier, I really don’t know.

We had another experice of wanky people recently also. We went to Pizza Hut a few fridays ago, en mass. After we had finished eating, Maximus and Thea were sitting on a windowsill, having a bit of a shouting match. Nothing out of this world. But a table next to us, decided to make out as though a bomb was going off! You know when they use their whole face, to make all the disgusted facial expressions they can 🙄 It really is childish & makes me want to punch them in it. YOU’RE IN FUCKING PIZZA HUT! PIZZA HUT eating a buffet.

To be honest, I eat out too much. Whether it’s for lunch or dinner. But food is life! Again, nowhere fancy, it could be McDonalds or my favourite, Marks & Spencer’s Cafe 🎉 Maybe where it’s such a regular occurrence, the babies are use to it now and play ball. More importantly, I am, so I know the things that make it work. Because be under no illusion we’ve had terrible times. There’s nothing worse than trying to get a a 1year old into a high chair, Infront of People, whilst wearing a jumper and coat, getting hotter than the surface of the sun. All whilst trying to remain calm on the outside.

I have friends that have stopped eating out because their kids were feral shits. And there have been chunks of time, where it’s been more agg than it’s worth for us. Sometimes it still is. So we shall descend upon Petes abode, so no pressure on anyone. The kids can eat off the floor if they so wish, it’s clean. Pick your battles Party People.

However on the times that we do venture out into public. And if you lived in Ongar, you would do this as often as moi. BECAUSE THERES NO TAKE AWAYS AND NOTHING DELIVERS. First world problems 😭 but it’s all relative.

So when we do, I go prepared. A rucksack of toys for Maximus and Bear, SNACKS, even if you’re going out for food, the time waiting for food can be touch and go. Nothin major, just some yoghurt fruit flakes etc. AND most importantly …. an iPad 😱 I know, cheating & a dog shit parent. But I am no martyr! Hands up I don’t know how people parented without them. So round of applause for you all old people 🤣 But don’t hate the player, hate the game. For me, expecting a 2year old to sit a table and be happy about it for however long is stupid. It’s not something I’ll pull out straight away but usually after we’ve eaten and if we’re in no rush to leave.

Timingthis is most important! 1) Making sure my offspring are not tired. If they are, give up straight away. Tired kids are knob jockeys, so admit defeat before wasting time and money. 2) Hungry! I time it, so I know Maximus and Bear are actually hungry. So will actually spend time eating, allowing me to actually eat!

Last but not least! Don’t be stressy. Which is totally easier said than done. This is the key though! The amount of times I have gone out and allowed other peoples looks to bother me, it just ruins your meal. So now I give 0 fucks. First of all, wherever I’ve decided to eat, IS child appropriate. So if other people have a problem, then it’s theirs to have! I wouldn’t go somewhere I deem not child appropriate and expect other diners to be impressed, with Maximus and Bear rocking up. I also go out for dinner sometimes and want to punch a kid in the back of the head 💃🏻 Let’s keep it real. However I feel confident from the off, if I’m somewhere I feel is child friendly. So if someone starts trying to make a point, with their distorted face, I will shoot them a look! Letting them know (in the words of Kenya Moore) DONT COME FOR ME UNLESS I CALL FOR YOU!!!

Kids are allowed to make noise. Shock horror 😱 So I’m not going to react every time one of them does. Keep calm and carry on at all times.

To end. I’ve been a waitress and parents are more annoying than the actual kids. Reality is, you can’t really go out for a relaxing meal with young children. So don’t sit there and just stop parenting, let your children run about whilst food and hot drinks are being run. Then cry when a cappuccino is spilt on little Barry’s head. And by all means attempt to clean up after your child. I always make sure, I clean up all the mess Maximus & Bear have dropped all over the floor. People that don’t, have a stick up their fat arse 😎

Peace out one and all. Iceland’s mum of the year.

Alabama Lola


Cherry popping.

Bonjour Party People, this is my first written word in the land of blogging. To be honest, I’m not a massive ‘blog’ reader, so trying to write one is proving more difficult than I first thought 😏 My first Love is instagram & I enjoy following certain people on there & watching Insta stories. And then if those people happen to have a blog in their bio, I click on that. But I can’t say there’s people I actively read. But don’t be like me, be a better person.

I half decided to start one as a NY resolution & partly because more than one person, had said on one occasion I should write one😎 So i decided the world wanted me to do it.

Obvs I have two small children & that’s basically my job 😭 So when they try & ruin my life on a daily basis. I use Instagram mainly to vent my frustrations & then nice people, share their dog shit & tell me I’m not alone & the world seems a better place again. So I thought writing a blog here & there, would be part of self care & all that jazz. And would hold off, the invetiable of being found in my night dress, in the middle of the night, whilst walking down the road.

But please don’t expect anything out of this world. I honestly don’t have a clue what I’m doing or even how this works, so I’m just hoping for the best. So I’ll just learn while going, that’s been the story of my life. And so far, I’ve survived.

If you’re easily offended, don’t have much of sense of humour, don’t like piss takers, People that swear in general & at there kids, shouty People, then I wouldn’t continue to grace this place. The reality is, im quite honest & don’t pretend that life is soooooo good every day. And that I don’t dislike my children on the regular. I don’t pretend that moi & my baby daddy are couple goals, ‘the boy’ or ‘the boy did good’ will never be words uttered from my lips. Mainly because, he’s a man, it makes me die inside, when I see such shite & he will never of ‘done good’. So trust you’ll never have to see a load of designer bags, gifts, flowers & whatever shit, I’ve decided to haul into one photo, to show off all I’ve been bought.

I, myself am guilty of getting sucked into the world of Instagram & believing that someone’s life is so amazing, that there boyfriend/baby daddy is considerate, that they never shout at their children. There house is out of this world, all the usual stuff we tell ourselves. BUT then I check myself. So that’s why I like to be honest, keep shit real party people. So that’s mainly, what I imagine what my blog will be about. I’m not an expert on anything, yet! But I shall share anything that works for me & mine. Don’t get my wrong, I also love the glossy world of Instagram & follow load of people that lives look just like I said. And they make me want to a better person, so I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

But if anyone can give me a rough idea, on roughly how long it will be, till Im # Ad in my captions on insta. And being invited to to first nights of ‘Disney on ice’ & all that jazz, I’d be most grateful 💃🏻

So until next time Children of the lord. Peace out. Step in the name of love. When I was a little girl, I had a rag doll. Love me for a reason, let the reason be love. Let’s get it crunk, we gon’ have fun. Mucho thanks for reading.

Lauren aka Alabama Lola ❤️