Wham bam thank you mam. So just over 3 years ago today, I gave birth to bouncing baby boy, Maximus.

I fell pregnant with him after having 2 miscarriages on the bounce. His pregnancy has been my worst so far, I was sooooooo sick throughout. I lost weight being pregnant with him! I couldn’t eat anything and just spewed. I went to the early pregnancy unit a few times and was admitted, to go on a drip & have fluids pumped in. Hyperemesis Gravidarum (severe morning sickness) is really wank! I literally didn’t speak to the baby daddy for the whole time I was pregnant, other than to tell him to ‘fuck off’ and ‘leave me alone’. I had to drive with a sick bucket! I would wake up in the middle of the night to be sick! My friends hated me πŸ˜‚ coz I was so moody. It’s honestly the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. And would only wish it on People I don’t like 😎 So I always want to punch people in the back of their shit heads, when they tell me they’ve got it or had it. Yet, they’re out shopping, having a fucking ‘baby moon’, sorting the babies nursery, rocking a blow dry! IF YOU HAD IT THAT SHIT WOULD NOT BE GOING DOWN. I mainly just sat on the sofa, with a sick bucket. I can remember crying my eyes out, on the phone to my BFF whilst my head was over the toilet, saying how shit I felt & feeling so faint. I had thoughts of having an abortion at times! Because it was so horrendous. But wanting a mini Raoul Moat outweighed the dog shitness.

So I put those donut people in the same league, as the people who say they have flu. Yet are standing upright in front of my very eyesπŸ™„ Errr no mate, I’ve had flu once in my life & I could not move for 3 days! So grow up.

Maximus was born nearly 4 weeks early, my waters went whilst I was at Petes house, looking after Finn & Deliah. Peta had gone into have Frey on the Monday morning, so I’d been doing her housework all day. I made Finn his favourite Gammon roast. I ironed the bed sheets. Then about 10pm I had a bath and got into Petes bed. I really had a feeling he was coming that night. But didn’t say anything to anyone. I had said a few days before, that I felt like my vagina was going to fall off πŸ˜‚ I know now that was his head engaged.

I then awoke at 11.45pm to my waters going! There were waters galore! I literally jumped out of bed & they came out like there was no tomoz! I could paddle on the floor in the water. I then rang the baby daddy, who praise the lord had only just fallen asleep! He’s the heaviest sleeper I know, so he would not of woken up to his phone! Then I called the labour ward, who umm’d and ahh’d about me coming in, as I wasn’t having contractions. But because I wasn’t 37 weeks and had tested positive for strep B, they said come in. I then called my sister. So she got picked up by my mum & they drove over to Petes house.

The baby daddy had already said he didn’t want to come in, when I was in labour 😱 And everyone tried telling me, he would change his mind when it actually come to it. But i knew he wouldn’t. He’s literally useless! So I honestly wasn’t bothered, I just didn’t want him to regret not coming. Obviously this was my first birth, so I didn’t know how it would be. So my main concern, was that we would end up killing each other πŸ˜‚ I kid you not, he would not give 2 shits that I was in labour, he wouldn’t be able to process that shit, in his tiny brain. So my mother and sister were coming in with me.

Now, whilst all the peoples were driving over. I was walking round Petes house, with a bath sheet in between my legs, i was still leaking my waters like a mofo. I stripped Petes bed, mopped up all my waters, I got out Delilah’s & Finns clothes for the morning. They were going up to the hospital in the morning, to meet their new baby brother Frey. So I knew Pete wouldn’t want them looking like tramps or with just thrown together clothes! I didn’t want to ring Pete & tell her I was in labour, even though I knew she’d be up. Coz I didn’t want her to have to worry about the kids & Who was going to look after them. I had tried ringing Mac about 100 times! But she’s one of those divs that turns her phone off at night. So luckily, the baby daddy’s mum came over to Petes to be there for the kids. They had met her before, so it wasn’t a stranger to them.

I wrote a list of things that needed doing for the morning, luckily she’s a good egg and didnt mind some hard graft πŸ˜‚

The baby daddy, my mum and sister then arrived about 12.30? I still wasn’t having any pains. So felt grand. So my mother drove me to the hospital, it was en route that I could start to feel a bit of a belly ache coming and going. So I thought I’ll time them just incase these are something. And they were coming every 2mins.

So I arrived at the hospital about 1am, still nothing to complain about. The midwife asked me if I was having any contractions & I said I didn’t know πŸ˜€ That I was having some pains coming and going but nothing bad. So she told me I had ages yet. She couldn’t examine me, because I wasn’t 37weeks, so I had to wait for a Doctor. She put me on the monitor to listen to Maximus’ heart, he was grand, so I told her to take it off. I didn’t like lying down, it felt worse. LUCKILY, there was a doctor outside. He come in & examined me & told me I was 10cm 😱 So I walked round to the other room. En route round, the midwife asked me if I wanted any pain relief, I said no as I felt a bit sick but I’m not a martyr! So if i change my mind, don’t be telling me no!

I got in the room and I said I need the toilet, I need a poo! So I went in and nada, come back out and said I need to go again. And my mother said ‘that’s the baby’ and I shouted it’s not the baby, I’m Gona SHIT MYSELF πŸ’ƒπŸ» And then i bent over the bed 😎 The midwife started having a panic attack, she was trying to get the fucking Cannula into my hand for the antibiotics! But then started shouting at me to get on the bed 😱 Told my mum to press the button! And with that, his head was out and chilling πŸ˜‚ A couple of other midwives come in. I can remember her holding down my knees. My mum and sister in the corner of the room, my mum had tried to touch me when I got on the bed πŸ˜‚ But I said ‘what the fuck are you doing’ 😩 And Carrie kept telling me she could see him. Then once his head was out, nothing else happened. The contractions just stopped. So his head was chilling there for a couple of minute. I shouted FUCK A DUCKKKKKKKKK a few times & YOU FUCKING LITTLE PRICK πŸ˜‚ as his head came out. Then I pushed the rest of him out. And my work was did at 2.19am 😎

I really can’t complain about giving birth, my mum had always said ‘it’s like doing a big poo’ and that’s how i can only describe it as. I know it’s not like that for everyone but for me, it was a piece of piss πŸ’πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Although my placenta didn’t come out with Maximus, so I had to go to theatre to have it out πŸ€— But even that wasn’t horrific. Weird but not painful. They wheeled me round, after Maximus was taken to special care for his antibiotics. They tried to inject me in my back but I passed out 😭 And I can remember coming round to everyone over me. The only time I panicked is when I heard them say they might have to give me a general anaesthetic, if it didn’t work. I can remember just being frightened they’d give me too much and I wouldn’t wake up! And thinking about Maximus! But then they got it in. And I had to wait for it to kick in. They spray you with some cold spray, which you should be able to feel but not feel that’s it cold. It’s really weird! Then they go in & get that placenta out!!!! I was literally lying there with a woman, with her whole entire arm, up inside me!!!! I could feel her rooting about and trying to tug at the placenta πŸ˜‚

All whilst the radio was playing and she was chatting to the nurse. And the hottest male anaesthetist I’d ever seen! I swear to god I can remember almost apologising for not doing my bikini line to himπŸ˜‚ THANK FUCK I DIDNT! Could you imagine, I’ve just given birth & im flirting with the man numbing my vagina & lady parts!!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜©And even though it wasn’t ideal, it’s not painful! It’s just an Inconvenience & really common! So no fear if yours decides to stay in your body.

After all that beef, I then went into the recovery room and waited for Maximus to come back with my mum, from special care. The baby daddy and my sister were asleep over a desk. And I told them to go home, I kid you not, they couldn’t of moved quicker if they fucking tried! The baby daddy had already told me how tired he was! So he was too frightened to hold the baby πŸ™„ The midwife also came in & apologised for telling me I had ages. But thy she could only go by what I was telling her. Which I totes got.

Once my mother left, I then text Mac, Pete & Julie a picture of the baby on my chest πŸ˜‚ And Pete text back straight away in shock. She did eventually ask about the welfare of her beloved children πŸ˜‚.

We stayed a couple of days in hospital because of the strep B. Maximus had to have the antibiotics until his blood culture thangs came back. The first day I just wanted to get home. But then I honestly loved it! Just me and him, on our own. I really love the hospital time, I find it so special! And I feel like I really know, in that moment how special the time is. And I try and take in alllllll in, whilst I’m there. If you’re with child now, really savour it whilst your in there. It honestly goes so fast, it’s scary.

So this time 3 years ago, I was loving life, chilling on the sofa, whilst Maximus did nothing but sleep. I was watching the sopranos box set for about 10hrs a day! Oh how life has changed!


Alabama Lola 🀰🏻

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